The Battle of Want vs Loss
by raok
Summary: Bella is frustrated with Edward's seemingly sexual apathy. Words are exchanged and instead of getting everything she wanted, she loses it all. Can she regain what was lost and obtain what she has always wanted? Rated M for L-squared languages lemons
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Unforunately, SMeyer still owns the characters. I'd like to think I own the smut but I probably dont.

A story redo. After rereading it I realized there were so many typo issues and timeline confusions that it'd be best to fix it and repost it from the beginning. So here we are start from page 1, chapter 1.

If you like it, review. If you don't review. I like feedback :)

**BPOV**

I laid in my bed, hands under the covers, under the flannel sweats that I slept in. I pictured Edward hovering above me, my fingers replaced with his as he stroked me; just grazing my folds at first before pushing a finger deep inside me. I arched my back, moaning quietly as my eyes remained clamped shut. I slid a second finger inside of me and began rocking my hips to the pace of my fingers, _of his fingers_ I thought to myself. I whimpered a bit more loudly as I hit a particularly sensitive spot and I felt myself getting incredibly wet.

I heard the window creak and my eyes flung open to find Edward landing quietly onto the hardwood flooring of my bedroom. He walked over to my bed, his eyes black and heavy. He stood at the end of my mattress, staring at me.

"What…" he began breathlessly, "are you doing…"

My cheeks flushed. How was I supposed to answer that? _Oh, since you refuse to touch me below my neck, I had to take things into my own hands – literally. _I pulled my hand out of my pants and wiped the wetness on my pj pants as best I could. I decided it was easier – and far less embarrassing – to answer his question, with my own.

"Why are you here? I thought you were hunting with Emmett?"

"I was. We got back about an hour ago, and I was on my way over to surprise you, when your scent nearly toppled me to the ground."

"I thought…" he exhaled slowly, staring down at his feet. " I thought you had found someone else to give you what I can't."

I was confused. _Give me what he can't? Ohhh… Oh!_

"Won't, Edward."

"Won't what?" He looked up at me, sadness filling his eyes.

I sat up and moved towards the foot of my bed where he stood, sitting up onto my knees.

"You thought that I had found someone else to do what you _won't_."

"Bella…" his voice trailed off sounding pained, as if this was actually a struggle.

Ha like it was actually a hardship for him to restrain from fucking my brains out. Pffft.

I stared at him, my eyes and voice surprisingly never shaking with the nervousness that ran through me. I guess we were having _the_ conversation right now.

"Tell me Edward, when or rather _if you let me_ become one of you, what will your excuse be then? You won't be able to hide your lack of attraction to me as easily once my weakness is no longer an issue. Or perhaps that is why you are pushing for me never to go through the change; so that you'll always have a safe, responsible, well-intentioned reason for not wanting me like _that_."

His eyes grew even darker and pierced right through mine; I could have sworn he growled.

"Is that what you think Bella; what you honestly think?" His voice was getting louder and for a moment I worried he would wake Charlie up. Thankfully he seemed to realize this too and took a deep breath before continuing, hissing more quietly through his teeth.

"You honestly think that I don't do any of this because _I'm not attracted to you?"_ His raised voice was dripping with condescendence and I looked down, staring at my comforter as I nodded.

He clenched his teeth and I heard them grinding. I looked up just as he lunged at me, pinning me down with his lips on mine, as my back pressed firmly against the bed.

His kiss was unlike any other we had exchanged. This wasn't soft and careful. It was hard, passionate and slightly painful. I let out a whimper and he took advantage of my slightly parted lips to slide his tongue into my mouth and across my tongue. My hands snaked around to his back and under his shirt. I ran them up his back, relishing in his cool, hard skin.

His breath was cold and ragged against my skin as he placed kisses along my cheek and down my neck." Bella, don't _ever_ think that I don't want this; that I don't want to bury myself in you every moment of every day and never leave. You do things to me; awaken senses in me that even as a vampire, I didn't realize I had. It is a constant struggle to not attack you in the hall, in my car, in our meadow; and I don't mean for your blood – although that is tempting enough on its own. I have to stop; I have to resist because I can't risk losing you simply for sexual gratification."

I turned my head and pressed my lips to his as firmly as I could from the odd angle. His lips moved against mine and we shifted our heads to be in line with our bodies. My hands moved from under his shirt to his chest, undoing his buttons quickly.

He pulled his lips away quickly, staring down at me. "Bella, I just explained-" I didn't let him finish. I pushed my lips back against his and moved my right hand up his cheek to his neck, cupping his jaw. I nipped at his lower lip. I needed him to not say no; to just let everything consume us.

My legs moved from under him to his sides and around his hips. I felt his hardness pressed against me and I lifted my hips to rub against him. He groaned into my mouth, his hips grinding back into mine. I could feel him battling. His lips would periodically try to leave mine, but only get as far as grazing my lower lip before pushing back against them forcefully. In those brief moments, I would gasp for air, swallowing as much as I could before being thrown back into the pillowy abyss known as Edward's perfect mouth.

I began unbuttoning his shirt hesitantly, fearing that he would once again stop me. One of his hands moved from its spot beside my head, down to the hem of my shirt. His fingers delicately slid under the thin fabric and across the bare skin of my stomach. I moaned into his mouth from the new sensation. Edward had never let us explore each other, even in this completely PG way before. Skin-to-skin had always been restricted to arms, neck and face. His hands roaming up my stomach was completely new and fuck if I never wanted to go back to the earlier days ever again; however, at the same time I feared he would pull away at a moment's notice. I was constantly fluctuating between feeling utter bliss at how he was touching me and letting _me_ touch _him_ and my body tensing in fear that he would stop this.

I finally reached the last button on his shirt and let myself take a real breath, as I slowly pulled my lips from him. My eyes never broke from his as I took a few gulps of and calmed my panting breath. I wanted to say something profound, sexy and romantic like he had whispered to me earlier, but eloquence wasn't my style, especially when he had me turned on like this. So in typical Bella fashion I blabbed out exactly what I was thinking. "Edward, please don't tell me you want to stop."

He too was panting, though unnecessarily and his face turned from primal lust to pained and worrisome. And just as I fear he pulled away, sitting up on his knees.

His eyes closed and his face pointed down as he shook his head. "Please Bella, don't make this situation more difficult; it's already gotten out of hand."

_Out of hand? Out of fucking hand! You had __**only**__ put your hand up to my bellybutton, and all I had done was take off your shirt and rub your back a little. _

My fear turned to anger and frustration as I sat up, leaning against my headboard. "You may say you want me, Edward. You may _say_ that this is all to protect me. But the way you are so easily able to end this just as we seem to be getting started shows that it is actually quite the contrary. You _enjoy_ this – all of it. You are fucking sadistic and enjoy getting me worked up like this. Does it feed your _fucking ego_ to see a girl get like this over you and then pull away, knowing you don't have nearly the same level of desire?" I was nearly yelling and begging the hot tears not to fall from my eyes. His eyes had shot up to mine and I stared directly into his; I didn't care if he saw my dark brown eyes glistening, he fucking deserved it. I saw him cringe before looking back down at the mattress.

We were both completely silence for a moment; me to make sure I hadn't woken Charlie and I suspected Edward was doing the same. But who even knew anymore.

"You're being ridiculous Bella, of _course_ I want you. It's stupid to even consider thinking otherwise."

"So you're calling me stupid?"

He tugged at his hair, looking up at me once more. "No," his teeth clenched and he let out a breath. "What I'm saying is that the _notion_ that I don't want you is stupid."

"Well _I'm _the one having the notion; therefore you _are_ calling me stupid – just indirectly."

"For god sakes Bella, I am _not _calling you stupid. At worst I'm saying you're simply _wrong_ for thinking I don't want you."

"I think you should leave Edward."

"What?" He looked at me blatantly shocked.

I sighed. "You say you don't want to hurt me; that the biggest reason you don't act on whatever _urges_ you may or may not have is because you're afraid of hurting me – that you want to _protect_ me. Well, you hurt me. Every fucking time you reject me, because it reinforces the fact that you are superior in every way and I should just thank my _fucking stars_ that you even bother. I've had enough rejection for one night, and I don't want you here. So please, just go."

I stood and walked to my bedroom door when he grabbed my wrist. He was staring at me, and I couldn't decipher what he was feeling which was odd, because I had always been able to read his eyes so well. I shook my head, an irritated sounding "what?" breaking past my lips.

He looked at me pleadingly, as if he was willing me to understand. No, I would not understand this. Nearly a year and a half of this; of nothing but kissing and PG rated touching; which don't get me wrong has been _amazing,_ but I needed more.

"Bella…"

I held up my other hand, asking him silently to stop. "Edward, before I say something I know I will regret, please just go."

"No, say it. I need to know what you're thinking. It's so _frustrating_ not knowing what you're thinking." He said, taking a step closer to me.

I snatched my wrist out of his grasp and leaned against the door. "I'm thinking that Rosalie was right from the beginning; you belong with someone like you, another _vampire_, and I belong with someone like Mike. That way you can get yours for an eternity, and I'll be with someone whom I won't ever worry about rejecting or denying me."

His eyes grew dark and he took another step closer to me, effectively pinning me against the door. My chest was heaving at his close proximity and I could smell him again. The faintest scent of mint and rain whiffed through my nose. His forehead rested against mine, and I closed my eyes, reveling in his scent.

"If that is what you want, then I will respect that. Rosalie may be a lot of things, but she is by far the most logical of the Cullen children. She's right; you do belong with a human, and not a monster like me." His head lowered to the side of my face as I felt his cool breath on me neck. "But I will love you for an eternity, and no one, _no one_ will ever compare to you my Bella," he whispered placing a soft kiss just below my earlobe which sent a shiver down my spine. I opened my eyes to see him, to speak my apologies, but he was gone.

**EPOV**

I had never considered the fact that vampires could have hearts. Aside from the obvious being dead thing, an entity that's primal desire was to kill humans didn't strike me as a creature that had a heart.

But as I walked slowly (a human's jog) back to the house, I realized that I must have had one all along without knowing: because it was completely torn.

She was driving me absolutely insane. After decades of reading about them, I had to admit that I had finally met my very own personal _temptress_. Bella consumed my every thought and even when I was with her I felt it wasn't enough. I knew she had hoped I would cave and give in to her, hell _our_ teenage lust. But I couldn't; she was too important to me and I couldn't shake the feeling that I would hurt her if we were to consummate the relationship.

After all was said and done I wound up hurting her even more than I thought, but in a completely different way. Her ego was bruised, her heart was breaking just as much as mine; I could tell from the sound of how erratic it had been. How could she have thought that I could _not_ want her? It was completely ludicrous to me, and when she had repeated it over and over again, I wasn't sure how to get through to her that it was not a lack of desire, but a potential lack of control that made me wary of progressing any further with her physically. If anything it wasn't _lack of desire _but that I had _too much_. I was terrified of losing control in how she would feel around me, all of her warm, soft skin pressed against all of mine, cold and hard.

And god… when she whispered what I already knew; reiterating Rosalie's words of how she would be better off with a human, I knew it was time to let her go.

She finally saw us as we were, a perfectly pure, untouched gift from the heavens and me, a monster condemned to immortality. All I had left, all I could do was murmur my never ending love against the warm column of her neck; a place my lips would never meet again, and walked away.

I made it home a couple of hours later, having stopped to hunt; not out of thirst but need to let out my anger that had built up within me.

I hated myself for not being strong enough to control myself. I knew that with her blood being as tempting as it was, feeling her warmth grip where only my hand had been it would be too much.

Just smelling her sex had nearly been my downfall.

The house was silent aside from the sound of the sewing machine in Esme's art room. As I made my ascent up the stairs and towards my bedroom I realized that Bella would never be in the space again; well, at least not in my room. I assumed she would still remain friends with everyone else, and maybe even Rosalie would be more forthcoming as an acquaintance since she was getting what she wanted.

I collapsed onto the cream chaise lounge and threw my arm over my eyes, seeing Bella and I's relationship flash before me, and wishing I had the ability to cry.

Because if there is no better time, no better reason it is when you have pushed your love to their limit and to the point where there is no more.

I would never hold Bella again. Or bury my face in her neck, inhaling the mouthwatering scent of her skin mixed with blood. I would never kiss her pouty, cherry-stained lips or feel her warmth beside me as she slept.

And despite knowing this was the best decision for her; the most responsible way for things to have ended; I couldn't help but be selfish and wish tonight had not happened.

This was the beginning of my suffering.

Living an eternity knowing I had the truest of loves, but lost it because I was a monster of the most despicable degree.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N:

Hi there! I want to say thank you for the reviews I received - you are all fabooosh :D

Per usual, I still don't own the characters, SMeyer does (lucky *grumblegrumble*)

Reviews = make me happy & encourage me to post updates sooner. So maybe... leave one? thanks muchos

And onward to the next chapter!

**EPOV**

I'm not sure if it was perfect timing or the complete opposite that brought the sun out for the next few days. My family and I decided to go up and visit a few other "vegetarians" we knew, the Denali clan.

Unfortunately when we arrived it was only Irina and Tanya who were home; the others having gone to Tiera del Fuego for the spring.

"How good to see you dear friends," Irina greeted, taking a seat on one of the sofas their modest home.

"You too," Carlisle nodded as we as followed suit and took seats. "I assume your family is doing well?" He asked, glancing over at Tanya who had decided to sit beside me.

Perfect.

As the day wore on I was beginning to realize that this was not exactly the best decision I ever made. It was clear Tanya had gotten wind of my breakup and was eager to attempt to remedy the broke heart that plagued me.

"We were good together once, Edward. We can be good again; greater, even." She murmured, as we waited on the cliffs for the others to join us. Like me, Tanya was the fastest of her family; it was what had initially bonded us.

"Tanya, we have been over this countless times. It is not a personal insult on my part to say that I don't want you but simply that I only want Bella."

"And yet, from what I've heard she does not feel the same. She has taken Rosalie's viewpoint at last." She observed, looking over at the horizon. "So why condemn yourself to a life of solitude when it is unnecessary?"

"Being with anyone but Bella would perhaps not display reclusiveness outwardly, but my heart, whatever exists of it and my ability to love is closed off to everyone except her." I admitted with a sigh. She would always be the best thing in my world, even if I could no longer be in hers.

"Then perhaps look at it from a more _logical_ standpoint. "Joining us, being here… with me, you would not be assaulted by Bella's smell or the sound of her heartbeat. You would not have to pretend as you do, that you are a mere 17 year old boy and live each day watching her heart heal and grow… and see her with other men."

Even the notion of her being with someone else was enough to have me panting with anger. However much I wanted her to lead a normal life, to grow old and find someone to love I had always hoped, selfishly that she would pick me; that we would find a way to have that life, as one.

As the days continued Tanya, and even to a lesser extent Irina, _tried _to make the relocation sound like the better choice.

But even though everything they said was true, I couldn't do it. I'd never be able to leave my Bella. I could learn to take a backseat; I could watch like the creep of a monster I am, from the wings. But Bella... I would always need to be near her. And maybe this had become my penance for being what I am. But the more time I spent in Alaska with them, the more I realized that I would gladly live in agony, if I could watch her grow into an even more beautiful and happy woman and have the fulfilling life she could never have with me.

During the trip, on more than one occasion I had exchanged heated words with Rosalie. At first, lashing out when I found her to be the one that had told the Denali family about Bella and I. And then, out of sheer anger and heartbreak I began to yell at her for her treatment of Bella.

"It is YOUR fault she left!" I scolded, during a particularly sensitive time; I had accidentally channeled into Alice's mental TV and saw a vision of Bella sobbing violently into her pillow.

"She wouldn't have left if you had not given her a reason to stay to begin with! You know as well as I do she is making the right choice! You're just angry at the fact that you are not the best thing for her – that you can NEVER be that for her!" She hollered back aggressively.

"No, she is in AGONY, Rosalie; how could you be so cold to want that for her?" I continued to defend.

She waved me off with a dismissive hand and I almost charged at her, but the words she spoke stung. It was a similar sensation I would imagine to being stung by an entire nest of wasps.

"_You're only mad at me Edward because I actually got through to her, even though you've been telling her since the beginning. And you can't stand what it means for you now – selfish bastard_."

She was right. I was selfish. I wanted Bella despite everything, and I loved that she hadn't cared in the least that I was dangerous, that she had seen past it and only saw a man to love.

What was I supposed to do now?

**BPOV**

The next week was a blur. Forks was going through some kind of global warming spring-time heat wave and each day had been sunny and in the low 70s. I had gone from class to class in a haze, smiling faintly at Jessica, Mike and Angela when they approached me, and spent lunch periods in the forest behind the school, hoping Edward would seek me out.

He never did.

I felt terrible; both for how I had practically pressured Edward to fuck me or leave and for even suggesting that Rosalie could be right. She wasn't, obviously. I didn't function without Edward. It was utterly maddening, codependent, and disgusting to every feministic bone in my body but I couldn't help it. My life without him would go on, but it would pass from one dim day to the next. No more vivid colors, emotions or sensations. No one would make my burn the way his touch did. No one's voice would make my insides ache like his did. And certainly, _Mike_ would not be getting the opportunity to try and prove me wrong.

After spending the weekend cooped up in my room alternating between sleeping restlessly and checking my cell phone, I still didn't feel rested enough to go to school to face them. I climbed out of bed Monday morning and grabbed a pair of jeans, my chucks, and a long sleeved v-neck navy blue sweater and headed for the bathroom to get ready. A scorching hot shower and 15 minutes later, I was out the door, my thick brown puffer jacket getting tossed across the passenger seat of my beat up truck. The rain was back, and a sure sign that at least a few of the Cullens would be in school today.

I pulled into a spot at the far end of the parking lot, near the exit, so I could bail easily mid-day if I couldn't take it. My breath hitched as I spotted his silver Volvo a few cars up from mine, parked a couple spots away from the school's entrance. My chest tightened and I willed myself not to cry from just the sight of his stupid car. If I cried now, there was absolutely no hope for me once I actually _saw_ him.

I tried to keep myself distracted through first period History, homeroom, and second period English. I even tried my best to really listen to Jessica as she talked about taking a trip this weekend to Port Angeles to find a prom dress. Something about Forks only having "matronly" dresses and she wanted something that would catch Mike's eye a bit more than a fancy cotton sundress. I only really registered what she was saying after she threw out _his_ name.

"Oh, I'm sorry, what Jess?"

"I was asking if Edward had asked you to prom yet. I mean I'm sure he has since you guys are a _thing_ and everything. But was it just assumed or did he do some grand gesture to ask you? He seems like the grand gesture kind of guy."

My cheeks reddened and I looked down at my desk, suddenly finding the penciled-graffiti on the tabletop very fascinating.

"Oh, um… No, he hasn't asked me yet. I'm not sure that I'm even going…" my voice trailed off quietly.

"Well you better make up your mind, because he's standing right there and he looks pretty serious. Maybe he's going to surprise you and ask during class!" She nearly squeaked out in excitement. Dear god this girl was annoying with her insinuations.

Nevertheless, my head shot up and turned to look at where she was pointing. Sure enough there he was, standing just outside the doorway, and therefore out of the teacher's eyesight. His eyes were completely unreadable, as he stared directly at me. I turned my head immediately and raised my hand, asking Mr. Nichols for the hall pass. He nodded and I practically sprinted to meet him half way to grab it; nearly running out of the room.

He was further out in the hall when I saw him again. He leaned against the lockers, his backpack on the ground, propped up by his leg. I approached him cautiously, unsure of how to act, and nervous as to how he would react.

His head turned to the side as I moved closer, standing directly in front of him. "Edward, I…" I began. I had no idea what the fuck I was going to say, but saying his name out loud, to him, felt so good it was enough while I tried to compile all my thoughts.

"Bella, don't," he cut me off before I could even finish a coherent thought. "We can't do this here; _I_ can't do this here. I just… I wanted to see if you could come by my house after school, so we could… talk."

'_So we can talk'… that was never a good omen._

I nodded, not trusting my voice. He gave a half smile that didn't reach his eyes and nodded, satisfied that at my acceptance. He pushed up off the lockers, grabbing his backpack in a quick swoop. "I guess I'll see you later then." He said with a sound of finality.

I nodded again, trying my best to give my own half smile and bit my lower lip. His eyes darted to my lips and my heart stopped at his blatant ogling. He licked his bottom lip before quickly looking back into my eyes and walking away.

I didn't go back to class after that, assuming that Jess would think he had asked me and we had snuck somewhere to make out. I could count on her to grab my notebook and pen if that was what she was thinking.

Instead I roamed around the halls before deciding to head to my locker to grab my backpack and call it a day. I opened up the door to the stairwell to head up to the 2nd floor where my locker was, when I saw Alice. "About time! Jesus Bella, spend enough time moping on the first floor?" She exclaimed nearly tackling me as she jumped into my arms. I hugged her and let out of a quiet laugh as she pulled away. It was odd how just seeing my best friend made me feel instantly better. "I didn't realize I had an appointment."

"Well _of course_ you do. You and I are fleeing this rat hole and driving down to Port Angeles for some last minute shopping before you meet with Edward this afternoon."

I stared at her blankly. "Um, _what?_"

She shook her head. "Bella, this is not the time to question my judgment. We can talk on the way. For now, grab your bag and let's blow this Popsicle stand!" She cheered before exploding into a fit of giggles.

What the hell was going on?


End file.
